Where Am I Going?
First time in Africa?
Yes.
- Do you like it? - Lovely...
- And the scenery? - Great, but the car's a shit heap.
They said, "Car with driver...“
Relax, it's a humdinger, in 30 years
it's never let me down!
We'll have to continue on foot.
Come on, it's a nice day.
It hasn't rained for months.
- Where are we'? - In Kasu territory.
- A very dangerous tribe. - As well.
But you never see them at this hour.
I'll talk and smooth it over.
No, quiet, I'll speak!
Good evening, we come in peace.
Good evening, sorry if it's late.
- Who's he? - Dogon, the king. end titles
Good evening, Dogon.
He says that you snuck on to his land.
Let's explain, I'm passing through. Translate.
I don't want to steal anything.
Jack shit to steal anyway...
Quiet!
He doesn't trust whites because you have big heads and small hearts.
No, only in the North.
He wants to know the story of your soul
to understand if you are worthy of passing through this land.
And if I'm not worthy?
You'll be burnt alive and your ashes will fertilize the soil.
Fair enough, sounds good.
So, you want my whole life story?
But I warn you, it's long, guys.
Where do I start?
You see, Dogon,
I believe that from when we're little kids...
the Lord blesses us with talents...
...that we have to nurture and grow.
Clarissa, what do you want to be?
A vet.
And you, Martina?
A musician.
Carlo?
A scientist.
Checco, what do you want to be?
I want to be a permanent position.
Like you.
And like my Dad. He used to take me to work to see permanent positions.
Happiness
ls holding hands, going far, happiness
It's your innocent gaze...
What serene people, what a fulfilled existence!
It's free, I'm calling from the office!
What's the weather like in Toronto?
Dad told me there was a guardian angel
who would help me become a permanent position too,
but I had to work for it.
- Hello, who is it? - It's your uncle...
I'll call you back 'cause I'm not paying.
I mean, I was born for it.
“Provincial Office of Hunting and Fishing“
Here's your hunting permit, Liuzzi.
Checco, I brought you a quail.
A quail! You're a legend!
Just today I was thinking... What's wrong?
This isn't a bribe, is it?
Everyone's gone nuts!
Corruption is when you're not entitled to a hunting permit
and you come and say, "I'll give you a quail, will you give me a permit?“
We didn't do that, right?
Give me the quail.
Has it been hung? Because sometimes...
This isn't graft, is it?
Liuzzi, graft
is if you are entitled to a hunting permit,
but I say, "No! You have to give me a quail.“
Did I impose this on you?
You, of your own free will, Your Honor, gave me the quail.
- Right! - Are you sure?
- Gimme that. - You're not just...
Why don't you go fuck yourself, you and your quail?
Sorry, but on TV all they talk about is corruption, graft...
Good manners, that's what it's called,
it's good manners to bring something to the permanent position.
Okay? Hand it over.
- Do you know how to cook them? - My mother-in-law's an amazing cook.
So, how is it?
It's a C-minus.
- It's stringy and it needs salt. - Shut up.
- It needs salt and it's stringy. - It's true, it is stringy.
It's the first time I've cooked one.
Why did you make it and not your mother'?
So when you're married you won't complain.
Honey, tonight...
Tonight I've got a soccer game, is my bag ready?
We permanent positions were revered like gods.
- The hot tea? - Here it is.
By marrying one of us, in life you had scored a...
Goal!
I LOVE YOU
But there was another woman in my life...
MOM YOU'RE UNIQUE
I mean, a loving mother,
board and lodging, power, gas all on my dad's tab.
Dogon, do you believe in reincarnation?
Whoever was reincarnated into me was crazy lucky.
But this luck didn't sit well with certain divinities.
I still remember that morning.
I went to work early.
It seemed a morning like any other.
I go out on my bike,
I have a nice pedal to the office,
I pick up my badge that's already been swiped
I go to the cafe and meet up with my colleagues.
Good morning.
Minister, would you explain the meaning of this law?
PROVINCES? WE'RE ABOLISHING THEM!
It's a revolution in public administration...
That's scary, we're being abolished!
We want to streamline, modernize the bureaucratic monster.
Guys, we're permanent positions, no one can touch us!
My predecessors didn't do anything, today, the revolution has begun
and as he gradually...
abolishes the provincial authorities,
the minister in Rome will receive
subjects without the requisites listed in the circular
and relocate them to other bodies.
- What does that mean? - All talk! It doesn't mean anything.
It means that those in the categories I'm about to nominate
are not affected by these measures and can relax.
Let us begin.
A: The worker with more than 30 years of service.
It's lucky to be old.
B: Workers who perform policing duties across the territory.
C: Married workers...
...or those with children.
I'm neither married nor do I have children, but I wasn't worried.
I thought, “Of course my category will be there.“
And he went on, D...
E... F...
G...
Workers with disabilities!
Thank you, Momma!
Congratulations.
H...
Workers with bearers of disabilities in their families.
My brother Mario is deaf-mute!
Deaf-mute!
Thank you, Mario!
- He's deaf, why are you shouting? - A lot of noise for nothing.
Fanelli, what about me?
Fanelli?
Me, get it?
Don't beat yourself up.
- Mom, you of all people, zip it. - Why?
You always got treatment, you could have been ever so slightly disabled.
- Your gallbladder, operated... - By the best surgeon!
You treat your diabetes, "I have to be healthy!“
At 70 she has to be healthy.
- It's self-obsession. - He's right.
An invalid in the family is always useful.
- You do it! - If only.
If they'd only recognize my carpal tunnel...
We've heard it a hundred times, Dad,
let's think about me for a change.
There's only one thing to do.
Let's go.
A dream is a wish
Your heart makes...
You know what this means?
Yes, but I want you to tell me.
At times in life, a guy decides...
Decides?
There's Fanelli, my office supervisor, try it on...
Good evening, madam.
- What do you think you're doing? - I asked my girlfriend to marry me.
So I can avoid being transferred.
- Good one. - Of course...
The effects of being married aren't retroactive.
That is?
You had to be already married before the law came into effect.
Mom, he's done it!
He's given in.
- Bye. - Good luck.
What a moron.
So, you were saying that it means...
It means the intention is there,
the ring is there, when the decision is there...
...we'll get married, now let's get out of here.
- And go where? - Somewhere else.
- With the carriage? - Forget the carriage, use your legs.
Three hundred euros... and you're not even retroactive.
Ladies, she didn't love me.
She loved the permanence of my job.
And I didn't let her starve that night, that's not my style.
ALL ON THE TRUNK
I risk being transferred 40, 50km from here
and you talk about marriage?
But I love you.
Then, if you love me...
...get me a beer, and make it quick.
“Provincial Office of Hunting and Fishing“
And so, after 15 years serving my country,
they forced me to vacate my office,
because the law is arid
and doesn't take feelings into account.
Checco, want a couple of jars of preserves?
Take it away, I don't want any reminders of these happy years.
I still see the train
Pull out and you
Wiping away that tear
I'll come back!
How can I live
A year without you?
I arrived in Rome with my girlfriend's sad face
imprinted on my mind.
Who knows how much she was suffering...
- Can I speak to Penelope? - Don't call again, it's over.
So, you were saying what you like in a woman.
Sincerity.
Now I was truly alone, in the hands of a cruel destiny.
But guardian angels don't abandon permanent positions.
It wasn't a mirage, it was him!
Senator Binetto!
I'm out, I've fixed up who I've fixed up.
No, you've fixed me up,
you put my father in the municipality, my uncle in the region.
Where did I put you to do diddly squat?
- At the province. - Back-breaking!
Now they're going to transfer me.
What are you on about? They want to fire you!
Do you know what those assholes at the ministry are doing?
The only opening is in South Tyrol.
All right, I'll resign, then.
You've made the right choice.
- Rionero del Vulture? - It's the closest.
Naturally we'll help you to get back to work.
Utter blackmail!
And everyone fell for it.
And I would have too, if I hadn't met him.
So, I should resign?
Don't blaspheme, a permeant position is sacred!
He was right,
I was not going to be shafted like all the others.
Good morning.
Hello, can I help?
You need to talk to the manager.
A woman, I thought she was the secretary.
- I'm the manager. - Are you the secretary?
My god, it's the end.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Well, Mr. Zalone,
you are entitled to a severance payment of 27 thousand...
482 euros, I did the sums.
Good.
For you I have obtained,
if you sign a voluntary termination of employment,
a payout of 35 thousand euros.
I don't believe it, that's a disproportionate figure.
If it were true I'd sign with my eyes closed.
Here.
- Are you joking? - I'm not joking.
I am.
Do you really think I'd leave a permanent position
for seven thousand euros more?
But is she qualified to do this?
What indispensable role did you play
in this strategic provincial office...?
- Don't get mad! - This was my job...
Stamping hunting and fishing permits.
After ten years I changed.
Then in the busy periods... Once before Easter...
I even had to use my spare appendage.
- I see! - She's nice.
No more stamping for you. Know where I'm sending you?
No, don't tell me, I love surprises.
Mom, don't worry about me.
It's beautiful here in the Susa Valley!
Doing what?
Morning, I'm notifying you of the order to expropriate your house.
We don't want high speed here!
We have to expropriate
your house.
Take your time, until 7:00 this evening.
Province of Nuoro?
- In Sardinia? - Fanelli, I love it here.
My colleagues are giving me special treatment,
if a photocopy needs to be done, they say,
"You're not capable, your colleague will do it.“
- What's that called again? - Mobbing.
Mobbing! It's so relaxing.
From Val di Susa to Lampedusa? Tell them to fuck off.
Don't sign.
For me, it's a yes, welcome to Italy.
DETENTION CENTER
No, guys, graduates later.
Is there a midfielder with fancy footwork?
There's 11 on a team, we can't take you all.
Ms. Sironi...
I think that soon you'll be working at the ministry with me.
Really?
I read your performance review, you closed one thousand...
- 1,243 contracts. - Out of?
1,244, minister.
An employee has resisted your lethal charm?
- I'm seeing him now. - Don't be too cruel.
- This is cheese from Piedmont. - Genuine?
Very, Michele the eco-warrior gave it to me.
Capers from Lampedusa, Toto Scafiesta gave it to me.
This is Filu 'e Ferru Sardinian aquavit.
My dear madam,
for you, from Susa Valley, a nice salami, put it where you like.
- Here you are. - Thank you, I have a suggestion.
Me too, Tuscany.
Chianina beef... That's a yes.
A big yes for me.
It's for 50 thousand euros.
Will you sign your resignation letter'?
Well, as long as we're kidding around
our country is in disastrous condition
and you're giving me 50 thousand euros?
- But does she even have a degree? - Please...
No, huh? Some politician...
We need qualified people or we're not going to fix the country.
Tell me the name of a shithole,
so shitty that even nuclear waste
would feel uncomfortable.
Come on, a sewer!
This request has just come in.
Should I send them a notification?
No...
He likes surprises.
I'm not giving up a permanent position, I'm not giving it up.
Got it?
I'll never leave my privileges!
Got that?
They think I'll give in to them!
Just because they sent me here.
Holy mother, the North Pole?
Let's talk about this, part-time's fine too!
Let me call her, what a huge bitch!
- Look who's here. - Should I answer'?
No, let's let him cool down a bit.
Here too, please.
Holy shit!
Is anyone there?
Jesus, help me.
Give me a sign of life.
Mom, in the Arctic Circle.
It's freezing!
More than in the mountains at home!
I can't hear you, I'll call you later.
I see, but where are we? What do I do here?
We're in the Dilmin Alesund Arctic Station.
Your job is to defend a researcher from polar bears.
- Me? - Sadly, attacks are more frequent.
Jason can tell you about that.
You're replacing him.
She's got it turned off... What do you do here?
Lots of things inherent to the melting of the polar ice caps.
- The caps are melting. - Sure are.
- Have you seen the psychologist? - Ls there a psychologist?
Of course, it's not simple living here.
Six months of darkness then six months of light...
When I was a little kid and my mother bought me a popsicle,
watching it melt made me suffer like a dog.
Just imagine the polar ice cap!
I won't be able to take it, I know myself, doctor.
That's strange, because Ms. Sironi describes you as
a resolute, determined man
who's highly adaptable.
- Forget that. - It's a pity.
Because I called the researcher you are supposed to work with.
Research another one, you do research here, right? Find someone else.
Pity.
Here we are.
Our researcher, Dr. Nobili.
- Hello, Valeria. - Hi, Checco.
I've spoken to Mr. Zalone, but he says...
I am resolute, determined and I'm very adaptable.
When do we start?
What's got more pull, a woman's smile or a rhinoceros?
We say that too!
But we say, "What's got more pull
an ox with a cart or a woman's...“
You're more romantic.
- Why did you decide to come up here? - To hold my position.
Nice, I like that.
A little utopian but it's the right attitude.
- I mean my position. - Yes, your position, my position.
- She doesn't understand shit. - The world belongs to everyone.
I can't stand those who only think of their little patch.
Selfish!
Then pollution of the oceans and global warming
concern everybody.
The increase in polar bear attacks, for example,
is a consequence of the melting of the ice caps.
Now the polar bear has me to deal with.
What's that?
It's a lemming, it's harmless.
Lions, tigers don't do anything to me, but lemmings...
Lemmings are sneaky sons-of-bitches.
I collect samples of snow that contains atmospheric particles
that could contain toxic substances that end up in the sea.
You've got to watch my back.
What that girl did to me!
In a few seconds she turned what had seemed like hell into heaven,
the polar ice into a pleasing freshness,
and made a cute little animal
out of a sewer rat, 'cause that's what lemmings are.
But there with her...
...it was poetic.
What a sewer rat!
Oh, darling.
Checco, the basin.
Go...
So, what do you call this fried dish?
Krill, the basis of the Arctic fauna's food chain.
Lead, mercury, hydrocarbons... a bit of everything.
There's even arsenic.
Look, arsenic is still not present in these waters.
No, it is, Massimo, there's arsenic too.
Just a hint, but you can taste it.
Ask me about raw fish, guys.
Write cadmium.
Come on.
The latest tests suggest imminent genetic mutation.
It's a vicious circle.
Sorry, can I join in?
What's the vicious circle?
I'm part of the team, I want to understand.
Who eats krill?
- Seals. - Who eats seals?
The President of the Republic.
How beautiful. An adult male.
Prepare the anesthetic, we'll sedate him for a couple of hours.
- Have you got it? - I already took a sedative.
No, the gun.
Get closer now.
Done.
Come on, before we lose him.
Good, now he's in range.
Shoot.
I got him!
I don't think so.
- I told you not to do it. - You said you could shoot.
- Quails, not polar bears! - Wait.
Wait, you got him!
- You got him. - I'm an infallible shot, huh?
Am I right? I got him!
I got him!
Don't take it the wrong way!
“I'm the polar bear, the biggest animal in the world...“
And you go down with a bit of anesthetic? Not moving now, are you?
Poor thing, the high temperatures are damaging his fur.
- What are you doing? - Taking a blood sample.
The best thing would be to do a sperm analysis,
but as you can imagine, that's not possible.
News of Zalone?
Do you want to hear a man surrendering, live?
Yes!
I'll put him on speakerphone.
- Hello! - Zalone.
I saw you were trying to contact me with a certain insistence.
What are you up to?
I'm giving a hand job to a polar bear.
Thank you!
You've given me a dream job.
I left the analysis in the lab.
There's also a sperm analysis.
- Yeah, right. - Really.
He actually did a... Have you seen Checco?
No, he's gone.
Mom, there's another woman in my life now,
so you can call less frequently.
' Yes? ' May I?
Of course.
I wanted to say goodbye, I'm leaving.
Right, you're going home on the weekend.
- Yes, what are you doing'? - What am I supposed to do here?
- Do you want to come with me? - You'll want to see your partner.
I don't have a partner. How long will it take you to pack?
Done, let's go.
Come on.
This is my house.
Sorry...-
I'll wait for you inside.
- Mom? - So, tell me what this girl's like.
What's she like? Just think Cameron Diaz,
add a dash of scientist and a drizzle of ecologist, that's her.
Don't call me so often anymore.
Only call me when you're so sad you can't take it anymore.
Bye, I'm going to her.
This is a collection of snapshots from my life.
You've been all over the world!
- Always for animals. - Where there are emergencies...
Look, my African period.
I worked there for two years, I left my heart there.
That's Babu, my partner at the time, Said's dad.
He's your son...
This is the period in the Philippines.
Amazing places.
He's Nimuel, my partner there,
Emily's dad.
Hi.
This is the period here in Norway,
where I met Gunnar, Lars' father.
Hi... You adopted them, right?
No, they're my biological children.
- And this is Carola. - A friend.
More than a friend, we were together.
My confused period.
I have to turn the stove off. Keep looking.
- Checco? - Yes?
- Give me a hand? - I'll just finish the equine period.
Sorry! I feel a bit peckish.
Enjoy.
Lord... bless this food
and may all be able to eat.
Amen.
Enjoy.
- You? - I'm an atheist.
Let us thank Christ.
- So, this is... - Salmon with sour cream.
- And this is apple juice. - Maybe the pairing...
Gunnar!
- Norwegian period. - Lars' dad.
- He's not here for dinner tonight. - Pity.
- Does he live with you? - Not for long, he's getting married.
Getting married...
- Checco, how old are you? - 38.
- Are you married? - No, I live with my parents.
Kids!
Sorry, they think you're a bit strange.
Let me get this straight, I'm the strange one here?
Maybe.
Children.
I'm strange...
Sorry.
The kids are worried they've offended you, they want to apologize.
That's why you came up? Call them.
Come on.
To bed!
These pajamas cost 600 euros, what weird values you've got.
Let's go to bed, because it's midnight here,
there's glorious sunshine, but I'm strange.
It's green.
Go, Said!
Said, come here.
In the penalty area, if an opponent so much as touches you...
you fall to the ground, a few convulsions and the penalty's yours.
But it's unsportsmanlike.
What does that mean?
It's not correct.
Suddenly, I was assailed by doubt.
Could I really be the strange one?
I felt the need to change and try to become...
more civilized.
So, to be civil,
how long do you wait after it turns green before honking?
Never! You never honk.
- Sooner or later the car will go. - Uh-huh.
How many useless fuck-offs have I said in my life?
Am I civil?
I'm training to respect lines in a civil manner.
My compliments, you're a great country.
And a great country couldn't do without
unmissable civilized events.
- Beautiful, isn't it? - Very.
They've been playing for an hour and a half.
What type of show is it?
- It's the not-to-forget concert. - No!
And who's going to forget tonight?
But it's very nice, it's civilized, I like this country.
Civility means sharing household chores
and looking after the kids even though they're not yours.
They're fighting!
I'll go.
Guys!
Come here.
Let's get one thing clear,
no one here is better than anyone else, okay?
You, it's true, you're Western, a superior race,
but you're smaller,
you're the big brother, but you're much blacker.
So you even out, right?
- All right... - I'll take this.
Okay, I was learning, but I knew how to make them like me.
Guys, calzones! Emily, the prayer.
No, you eat them hot, I already prayed when I rolled the pastry.
This is the Buddhist, this is the Islamic,
this is the Christian and this is the best of all,
the atheist!
Rice, potatoes and krill!
And the world of science started to appreciate my know-how.
Try it.
Great!
Fifteen years as a public servant gives you the fundamentals.
Then I'll teach you how to get snacks without paying.
Now, there was just one thing missing
to achieve romance.
It's just that all that north
had cooled my Latin instincts.
Or perhaps I thought it might seem a little uncivilized,
so I gave up.
But then I figured it out.
In a civilized country,
it's the woman who gets her tongue in first!
In short, we got together.
Such is life! They wanted to punish me, but I was happy.
But someone noticed that apart from my basic salary of 1,600 euros,
I was getting 900 euros travel allowance...
...plus 1,200 euros hazard pay.
A total of 3,700 euros a month.
The Minister of Waste
...to be consumed against the splendid backdrop of the fiords.
- I thought that... - You thought'?
What the fuck were you thinking?
How the fuck do you work?
The photo in the paper,
“The Minister of Waste!“
Make this go away now
and send him home immediately,
otherwise you're going home!
I'm glad you found love amongst the glaciers,
but unfortunately, you have to go back to Italy.
I'm contributing to the research here.
Science will have to deal with it, Italy needs you.
Isn't there any way I could stay?
Just one.
Sign your resignation and pocket the check,
60 thousand euros.
Give me the pen.
Here.
I'm itchy.
- No, I'll go with phone-a-friend. - Where are you going? Zalone...
Where are you going?
They want to send me to Italy
and the only way to stay is to sign my resignation letter.
No!
Don't you dare, a permanent position is sacred.
What should I do?
Play your bonus, ask for leave.
Thank you, senator, you're a genius.
Thank you so much, goodnight, sweetheart.
In three months, come back to me and we'll see who has won.
- Aren't you going to help me? - I'm on leave.
Without insurance, what if anything happens...?
It better not.
What's fish from the Adriatic like?
It's much leaner than yours,
it doesn't need to develop fat.
Is the king crab a crustacean?
Darling, enough questions.
I don't mind.
Yes, it's a crustacean that lives in the Atlantic Ocean,
in the northern seas.
Karl!
When I finally thought I was a civilized man,
a new obstacle presented itself: jealousy.
- Who is it? - A friend of Mom's.
Did they have a relationship?
- I don't know. - Did they have one or not?
Checco, this is Karl.
Hi.
We're going rafting tomorrow, will you mind the kids?
Of course, I'd be glad to.
I'll look after them.
At what depth does the king crab live?
Checco, what depth does the king crab live at?
How the fuck should I know? Look it up on Wikipedia.
Go rafting with Karl!
Good-looking guys are stupid.
Karl needs to get hemorrhoids.
I spent the night awake, working through the pain.
The next morning, I civilly gave Valeria a lift to Karl's.
I'll see you tonight, I'll be as quick as I can.
Stay out all the time you want, I'm over it now.
- What? - Nothing, go.
Thank you.
Yes, guys, I was free from that particularly Latin legacy:
jealousy-
- What's wrong'? - He says he doesn't feel well.
No, it's them!
Hemorrhoids, swear!
Anyway, guys, I was a totally different man.
I was no longer uncivil, disrespectful,
I was no longer jealous, I had completely changed.
My parents also noticed
how much I'd integrated in Norway.
Mom! Dad!
Are you blind or something?
Let's go.
When is your leave over'?
I'm staying in Norway, it's a fantastic place,
civility, efficiency.
Did you know, here, if you're not working, the state gives you money?
Because what have we done in Italy till now? Dickhead!
Here we go with the jokes, you Italians, always laughing.
Mom, seatbelt.
But I'm in the back.
In the back, too, in civilized countries.
Look!
What is it?
Some Italian's been this way.
Just ignore him.
I loathe you when you act like this.
Dad thinks I've changed, you think I'm acting funny,
I honestly don't understand you.
All these kids are yours?
What's hers is mine, of course they are.
Darling, tomorrow at the wedding, skirt or pants?
- Pants and the red shirt. - Already done.
Checco, will you give me a tissue?
Now for two tears, you're going to kill a tree?
You know what's happening in Amazonia?
No.
Get with the program, Mom.
- Darling, Hinger is here. - Coming.
My name is Hinger, and you?
Checco, what time is it?
I was taking a shower, why has the hot water finished?
Very good.
Come on, it's cold, where's the boiler?
Fantastic!
Miss, can you tell my son to go fuck himself? In Norwegian...
Italians... vulgar.
Who's getting married tomorrow?
Valeria's third partner, the blond kid's dad.
Lars.
But if Valeria's partner has a child from this new marriage,
what would the child be to Checco?
He's...
he's the...
Let me think.
Never mind about the child...
This is music, not that pizzica stuff,
gets people together more!
How wonderful civility is.
Thank you.
Caterina!
What's the matter'?
The fact that I've had other companions.
- It's not that... - My kids?
No, they're gorgeous.
What, then?
There's one thing I find unacceptable.
What?
The blond goatee... I can't deal with it.
So I granted her that small thing.
At last.
Happy? It really suited me.
Valeria, thank you.
Have a good trip.
Don't forget, tomato sauce for Checco without garlic.
Yes, he always makes it like that.
See you soon.
Bye.
Come on.
Dad, I'm not asking for much.
Promise me you'll open eyes and your mind a bit?
And you open the gate, we've got to go.
Bye!
In short, my parents fled.
I was increasingly convinced I wanted to stay,
but I hadn't taken the long Norwegian winter into account.
Six months when the darkness of night alternates...
Good evening, Stena.
...with the darkness of morning.
Good morning, Vidar.
And all this affects people's moods quite a lot.
Good morning, I have an appointment with your colleague
from the office for foreigners, but he's not there.
He committed suicide.
He jumped from the sixth floor, depression.
Can I leave this with you?
I'll see you tomorrow at 11:42.
All right.
Can I ask a question, what floor do you live on?
First.
In that case, I'll see you tomorrow.
Then one evening, while I was giving Lars an astronomy lesson...
What happens to the white dwarf?
Checco, your mother.
I'll call her later.
The white dwarf is at the final stage of evolution
and doesn't have the strength to counter gravity.
It collapses into itself and what happens is...
What happens?
That they're back together.
- They're back together again! - Who?
What do you mean, "Who"?
They're back together again!
I didn't know!
Do you know what this means for my country?
Guys, can you really be so insensitive?
Being here, I've lost all this!
The Italian motherland was calling out to me.
What's that lump in my throat
I can feel it rising, what is it?
This language is pointlessly complicated.
I can translate these phrases into Italian with one word, two letters.
“How was your work meeting?“ What do you say?
Men!
- “Give me a discount.“ - Meh...
- “If I catch you, you're done for.“ - Meh!
- “I'm quite happy with things.“ - Meh, meh...
So there's no point continuing the lessons.
Men!
The house is bursting at the seams, take them away.
Take them.
Only when we lose things, do we appreciate their value.
I don't want to jump the line,
but I've only got a bottle and you've got a full trolley.
In Italy we let people go ahead,
because we're not civilized but we're polite.
Checco, let's go.
Eat up, you're wasting away.
ITALIAN CUISINE
You went to Italy, you tasted our cuisine
and you've opened an Italian restaurant.
Yes.
How do you cook this spaghetti?
Easy, you take water,
you put pasta,
you light stove...
thirty minutes...
Whereas I boil the water first, what an asshole!
- Do you want something else? - A screwdriver and a ladder.
What?
What are you doing?
Fuck off!
You don't write “Italy“ in vain!
Viking!
Sorry, darling, I need it.
But just once...
Who the fuck are you tooting at?
I'm Italian!
Nostalgia, damn nostalgia
that gets you when you don't want it...
Don't you think it's splendid?
Yes.
Bergen is beautiful at night.
The car's double-parked.
That's its natural position.
That's enough for now.
Go and move it.
No, I like it like that.
You'll move it tomorrow, promise?
Let's go to bed, it's night.
This morning was night too.
I want to go back to Italy.
I see the rain pull out and you...
THANK YOU, VALERIA THANK YOU, CHECCO
I'll be back!
He's got a job, but what will you do in Italy?
I have qualifications, I'll send my CV, I'll do interviews.
- They call me back, right? - In Italy?
Think about it seriously.
Enough of these cliches about Italy.
Announcing a delay: the flight from Rome to Milan
will land four hours late.
That's ours!
I already feel at home! It must be a union strike.
And my new family and I went to Italy.
Ms. Sironi took it badly.
He's crazy,
I hate him!
- What's the matter'? - Zalone!
He refused 70 thousand euros.
Where do I send him now?
We need a position where he feels in danger, threatened.
Send him to my neck of the woods.
After so much Nordic darkness, finally, the light of the south.
As soon I arrived I was enlisted in the Forestry Corps.
To intimidate me, Ms. Sironi
gave me a very dangerous job:
to confiscate animals illegally kept by Mafia bosses.
Write: one tiger, the boss Vincenzo Stilo.
Shut up, or I'll get in there.
I knew how to handle those people.
Come on, boss, he'll be fine.
- Let's go. - Wait a minute.
Before long I was...
the king of Forestry.
Is there anyone under house arrest?
At last! Come on up.
My son went to the movies to see 'Madagascar'.
He became obsessed, he wanted a penguin.
- His father, who is so good... - ls he here?
No, he's in jail. ...he bought him one.
He played with it for two days and now he couldn't care less.
It doesn't play, it does fuck all, take it away.
He called him Skipper, like the one in his favorite cartoon,
but to welcome him were not the cold seas of Madagascar
but a very hot house in Castrovizzo.
Do you want to appeal to all those who illegally keep these animals?
Don't take your kids to see 'Dumbo', that's when the shit really flies!
Who is it?
Who are you?
I'm Don Michele,
the property has been assigned to these kids' coop.
Here's the court order.
And this is the letter from my cousin in Brazil,
the owner of the property, who states,
“You can stay as long as you like in the house isolated in the woods.“
Confiscated!
Oh my God, his handwriting...
I have no words.
He's a second cousin. What's his name...? Tanino.
Tanino la Cirenza, a local boss.
Excuse me.
We're waking the kids, getting our things and leaving.
No, you can stay for a few weeks.
We still don't know what to do with it.
What do you want to do here?
A social initial to rehabilitate people.
Are we going to rehabilitate my cousin?
That was when Valeria had an awesome idea.
Mayor, on the property,
with the cooperative we want to create an oasis for animals,
to treat them and introduce them back into their natural habitats.
Great community project, right?
What are all these pages?
An environmental impact study, budgets
and a geological report...
Even sewage treatment!
We're creating an unpleasant precedent for the mayor.
We don't need the sewage tank, leave it to me.
Goodbye.
I promise you, within a week,
there'll be all the regular irregularities.
Good man.
Come and see the animals.
OASIS OF LEGALITY
Here are the chimpanzees, we bring them back to health
and introduce them back into their natural habitat.
Here in isolation, we have a rare macaw,
it belonged to a Sicilian boss.
Slut!
Madam, it's all right, he's still not well.
My enthusiasm was over the moon,
reality soon brought us back to ground, wheels down.
Acts of vandalism, significant damage to the Oasis of Legality.
Here is a heartfelt appeal from Don Michele.
I'm speaking to the healthy part of this world, change is possible.
Sure enough...
A new parish priest for Castrovizzo,
Don Michele has been transferred.
Don Michele, stay strong, we'll keep going.
We're doing everything we can to integrate the kids too.
C, D, E, F, G, H... aspirate, damn it!
Salvino, why can't he play with you?
- We don't want foreigners. - Tell them where you're from.
- From Gioia Tauro. - So what's nduja?
He doesn't know because he's vegetarian.
And a faggot.
I was looking for common ground between the two cultures
and I invited Salvino to work with us.
Go, quick, and come right back, move it!
No bullying!
- Spray it on and clean it with this. - No paradoxes.
There are worldwide equilibriums that need to be respected.
Despite my efforts, there were many obstacles to integration.
We haven't received any funds for months.
How will we treat and feed the animals?
Calm down.
I've got a school group coming
and I refuse to perpetuate this fairy tale of legality.
- Perpetuate 'Snow White' then... - Go fuck yourself!
I'll go to the kids.
What do these felines eat?
- Can I give it my snack? - Sure.
' No! ' Why not?
They're 'snackivorous', throw your snacks by all means.
Salami too, or pasta with eggplant...
ls this backpack made of leather?
Don't give it all to them, the chimps have been dieting for a month.
Valeria had made up her mind.
Why are you so impulsive?
I spoke to the mayor, he'll get you a seasonal job.
- Seasonal job? - Then it'll become permanent.
Thank you, I was so worried... What am I teaching my kids?
- To accept anything like you do? - What do I accept?
Where are you going?
Listen to me!
What?
- I can't live without you. - Really'?
Then stop obsessing about a permanent position
and come away with me.
I'll do it, because I love you.
- They're congratulating you. - I know.
Thank you, it was a choice made for love.
- What did he say? - That you lied.
No, guys, I didn't lie,
I told the truth.
He's a shaman, he can read your soul.
Now you tell me? Dickhead.
Well, it wasn't exactly like that.
Then stop obsessing about a permanent position and come away with me.
Are you insane?
Baby, life's made up of concrete things too.
Let's go.
Regular wages, union protection, paid leave...
Paid vacation, family payments.
- I wish I had all that. - Who asked you?
Are we going?
Valeria, where are you going?
I can use my year of military service
to boost my pension entitlements.
I've paid in too much to resign!
You can't terminate without notice!
I'll have to sue you.
I know, it's easy for you to judge.
What does this guy do?
- He's a boar hunter. - Good.
Let's imagine that every month, you get a boar.
In January, an arrow, a boar.
February, an arrow, a boar.
Then December arrives, you shoot the arrow
and find two boars.
Has that ever happened to you?
It's called Christmas bonus.
If you've never known that joy, hush...
...the gods have condemned you to a VAT account.
Get it?
Anyway, I was suffering a lot.
The white dwarf is a small star
with low luminosity...
Krill, the basis of the seal's diet,
is found mainly in Norwegian waters.
- The polar bear... - What the fuck!
Without her I was unfeeling and nitpicky, I didn't let anything go.
- No smoking in the woods. - No'?
- No, put it out at once. - Right away.
That's unreal.
And to forget her, I took refuge in alcohol.
Checco, come over here with us.
I'm cool, already feel like one of the family.
Hi.
Here too.
Easy, I'm on vacation.
- May I? - You already did.
Who knows what you must think of me.
No one knows my more intimate nature,
my fragility, the desire I have to feel a man possess me.
Times like that, a permanent position become vulnerable and collapses.
Checco, just put your signature here
and I promise I'll help you back to work.
I want a permanent position...
- I won't leave you alone. - I get a permanent position?
Here are 100 thousand euros for you.
100 thousand. A nice signature here.
Just a minute.
No.
Go on sick leave.
Sick, I'm sick, I can't sign.
He's sick too, we're both sick.
Keep your 100 thousand and buy a blow-up doll
so you don't pester younger men.
- You pig! Parasite! - Go, or I'll report you for mobbing.
You disgust me.
Stalking, BJ-ing, MILF-ing, joking...
So, I went home and took depression leave.
My mother's little attentions did nothing for me,
I was shattered.
Meanwhile, that woman was after me.
Believe me, Zalone is worn down.
In a week, he comes off sick leave, I want to transfer him to...
To Pluto? Zalone on Pluto.
There's a good headline, maybe with my picture?
Stop thinking about it, you'll be fine in Bolzano.
It's not even that cold.
Good morning, sorry I'm late.
We called you in because, at last,
we've concluded our public administration reforms.
Good morning, what is it? Ministry!
Let's see what they've sent me this time.
Yes!
I won!
Guys, I felt some strong emotions in my time,
but to come back to the provincial offices...
What provincial offices? Didn't you read the paper?
I still have to get used to it.
The first call.
Yes?
Provincial Hunting and Fishing Office?
Provincial is what your sister is.
We're now called the Metropolitan Area Hunting and Fishing office.
- And what's changed? - Jack shit.
- So, why did they do it? - I'll explain it to you.
The First Republic
You never forget it...
"Metropolitan Area Hunting and Fishing“
The First Republic
You couldn't possibly get it
Forty-year-olds on the pension who danced on the grass
After ten years in the air force that flew by so fast
And the paraplegic ushers gave a hop
And the deaf-and-dumb caretakers sang pop
And for a cold they sent him far
Three months all paid at the spa
With an ingrown nail
On disability through the rest of your life you will sail
The First Republic
You never forget it
The First Republic
You couldn't possibly get it!
“It all went back to the way it was," you'll say.
But, no.
There was something missing.
I realized it when I saw that bird fly.
I'd kept the number.
Hello?
I saw a bird flying free and I thought of you.
There's fuck all out here this morning, Checco.
What do you mean, there's nothing there?
Wait!
Bring me a quail, Liuzzi.
It's a great day,
because they recognized my workplace injury
and I have an extra 216 euros in my pension!
Nothing to sneeze at.
Quails, the way I do them... Where's he going?
- I don't know, he got a call. - From whom?
I was angry, I wasn't going to tell you, but that's not fair.
- I'm pregnant. - Do you know the ethnicity?
All I'll say is he stays in the same position, permanently.
You mean, it's mine?
Yes, it's your child.
Where are you now?
That's why I'm here, Dogon.
Friends, in a few hours, I'll be a father,
and maybe the Lord will give me a fine little boy.
Dogon, I beg you to let me go.
You've led a miserable life, thinking only about your privileges.
Doing that, you've sealed your own fate.
His daughter is expecting a baby too.
Bye, tell him.
- A child can change your life. - I agree.
Be a better man than you were, we can go.
Thank you, Dogon, thanks, guys.
But fuck you!
Thank you, Dogon, I'll name him after you.
I'm really nervous.
Relax, it'll be a fine little boy.
She's beautiful.
- What did you call her? - I was waiting for you.
- I like Ines. - Lovely. It means 'purity'.
Also Institute of National Enterprise of the State.
- Are you leaving straightaway? - No, open the folder.
You've resigned.
Three months parental leave,
plus a buddy who's a doctor gave you typhus, and me, malaria.
That's another six months.
If you want to swap, I'm fine with that.
And for Ines, I got them to do...
Ines might actually have some infection
and there are no vaccines here.
- There aren't? - No, they cost too much.
When they arrive, if they arrive, they're rationed.
- Rationed for my daughter'? - Yes!
I'll show you what we do where I come from.
What donation?
Can't you see where we are'? Don't you feel moved, compassionate?
Give me the baby.
It's procedure.
It so happens...
Come here, darling.
Gather up your stuff, your papers and go.
Zalone, you've ruined my life.
At the end of the month I'm being transferred, what more do you want?
Don't move! Stay right there!
Have you taken antidepressants before?
I've heard a lot about you.
Really? From Zalone?
You'll find he's matured.
Here are your 31,182 euros.
I asked for 50 thousand.
This is what you're entitled to, it's too late, there are no funds left.
Right...
What are we going to do?
I know.
You put the rest in.
If you laugh, I won't sign.
Sit down!
All right, I'll make up the difference.
Now.
It doesn't work, it's a sign of destiny.
Sweetheart, I'll take yours.
This is your entitlement...
My check, I hope you spend it all on medicine.
“It's not out of compassion,
it's out of politeness.“
Where is she?
- Where's our little granddaughter? - Here she is!
Just kidding. It's her granddaughter.
Take the original one back, the branded one's coming.
Look what I made for you.
You wanted to be grandparents? Go ahead. We're off to do research.
You're so beautiful.
If your son had kept his position, she'd be getting family payments.
Goddamn it!
I'm from Gioia Tauro!
I needed an assistant.
- Me, an assistant? - I'll deduct your taxes.
We wanted to thank you
for this gesture of great generosity for our hospital.
I can see you've got a big heart.
Thank you, doctor!
Welcome to my staff.
No, I'm sorry...
She's deeply moved.
The woman's got a big heart.
- Zalone! - Hello!
- What surprise have you got for me? - Did you see?
- I'm deeply moved. - Even you have a heart!
You know what I think?
It's wonderful to give others a hand.
Even two!